I was afraid of falling pregnant before I even had sex. I was given one of those girl’s guide books around the age of 13 and after reading it I had somehow convinced myself that a premature ejaculation could make me pregnant. At the age of 15 I was carrying this fear like a heavy rock and I was too afraid to voice my fear with anyone close to me. I was dating a 17 year old but I was not sexually active. I only ever dated three guys and I became sexually active after going on the pill at the age of 19 with my boyfriend who then became my husband. Any pleasure or excitement always carried a grey cloud of fear with it and in all honesty I can’t tell you how I stressed when my period was a day or two late. I never once forgot to take my pill but I still stressed everyday about forgetting it. There was something so strong and so deeply feared about falling pregnant that I was carrying within me. It was ironic because all the way through studying to be a teacher and when I became a teacher I couldn’t stop imagining myself as a mom. After I had my son who was our second child my gynaecologist convinced me to try the merena IUD and after 2 months I had to get it out my body. My body rejected it entirely and I just knew I couldn’t go back on the pill either. As I’m typing this I have only just realised the enormity of the trauma my body and my womb endured with this merena just 6 weeks after a very traumatic birth of my son.
I distinctly remember the pure joy of having sex while I was pregnant both times and not having to even think about contraception. We thought we were done and we were so incredibly grateful to have our daughter and our son and I couldn’t face any other form of contraception. I told my husband after two natural births its his turn to take on the contraception and get the snip done. We followed our hearts and moved to Cape Town, and our world was rocked in more ways than one and the snip was put on our long to do list. My husband was depressed and under intense pressure from work. We hardly saw him, we were trying to find our feet in a new town where we knew no one and at that time we lost our tenants in our Joburg house so we were paying our bond and our rent in Cape Town and barely making it. I fell pregnant in the midst of all of this and I had to face my biggest fear. Reaching rock bottom pretty much sums it up. After debating and going back and forth on what to do next we felt that because I was only a few weeks pregnant the morning after pill was the only way forward. This experience broke my heart and broke my body and I’m still holding my broken parts with so much love. I remember lying in bed and making a deal with the universe that if I ever get another chance to fall pregnant I will love and cherish every moment of it. My prayer was answered 4 months later and from that moment I felt that I was pregnant again which was the best feeling in the world, I took back my power. I chose to embrace my fear, embrace our fear and free fall into the unknown and what a journey it has been.
Our third treasure completed our family in the most profound way and she has brought so much love and light into our lives and I am just so grateful. Last year August I found out I had a massive 3 litre full cyst in my right ovary. The first gynae I saw wanted to cut out my right ovary because the cyst was so big this was the only way forward. I had to sit with this and follow that inner voice that nudged me to look elsewhere and I asked my sisters to spread the word and see if anyone can point me in the right direction. I found a beautiful woman who gave me the number of a professor at a fertility clinic who was able to remove my cyst through keyhole surgery. He was able to save my ovary. While I was lying in bed after the operation I heard my womb speak to me for the first time in my life. She told me how broken she was and how much trauma she has been holding and how much has been released now. This profound experience led me to finding the book a friend recommended called Wild Power and the journey of reclaiming the power of my sacred memory began. 5 months later I started holding Becoming a womban circles for young girls, empowering them with womb wisdom and tools to understand and love their menstrual cycle and their blood. It started off with my eldest daughter who is 11 and her friends and I am starting to reach more and more girls, moms and young women. I’m so passionate and determined to change the way forward for our girls with empowerment over their bodies and their wombs. I hope my story will inspire other women to share their stories. Much love, Claire